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Random Internet site of the week: Landover Baptist

Date 12/4/2003 12:32 AM | Topic: Arts & Culture

If you're one of the chosen faithful, God says you need to check out , "Where the worthwhile worship. Unsaved unwelcome. As Jesus commanded."

Landover Baptist claims to be a fundamentalist, independent Baptist church of 125,000 members located in Freehold, Iowa. Boasting an enormous staff, dozens of worship facilities, a retreat center for Republican candidates, and the world's largest Christian mall, Landover Baptist is now out to conquer the Internet in the name of Christ.

The site offers sermons on issues affecting the Christian community, such as, whether nonbelievers should be allowed to celebrate Christmas (sure, if they want to go to Hell), SARS ("God's newest weapon of mass destruction"), and vegans ("modern day witches").

Landover Baptist features numerous ministries to spread God's word. There are Bible studies with Brother Harry, a puppet ministry, a post-communion party ministry, a Christian crack-whore ministry, and a satanic abduction recovery center, among many others.

You can test your Biblical knowledge by taking one of the Bible quizzes offered on the site. Can you guess "God's Favorite Ways to Kill," or the most offensive sex acts in the "Bible Sex Quiz?"

Landover Baptist also supports the Christian Right's condemnation of Hollywood, offering a movie guide for Christians so they can avoid the filth put out by the film industry.

The latest film to feel Pastor Deacon Fred's wrath is Elf, which he believes evokes a homosexual agenda to "sugar coat sodomy and sell it to our children." There is also a horrific account of a young boy whose genitals were electrocuted by his grandfather who was filled with "Godly rage" after the boy sneaked out to see The Matrix: Revolutions.

Other films condemned by the righteous movie reviewer include Bruce Almighty ("Universal Studios pays Jim Carrey $20 million to squat down and poop on the Holy Bible"), and The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers ("Christian moviegoers beware!  'The Two Towers' is ... slang for 'erect Hobbit penises!'").

However, a few movies do pass the reviewer's strict moral criteria. Ridley Scott's Hannibal is praised for reflecting the "traditional Christian values" of symbolic cannibalism, Blair Witch 2 is touted as a "moral breakthrough for Hollywood," and in The Talented Mr. Ripley, Matt Damon is extolled as "God's avenging angel."

Landover Baptist begins to reveal its true colors in the gift shop. There you can purchase t-shirts sporting labels like "Fornicator," "Heretic," and "Sodomite," or holiday gift cards that proclaim, "Santa Claus did not die for your sins." Of course there is also the immensely popular "What Would Jesus Do" thong.

Head to the letters section and find some truly hilarious hate mail sent from people who a) fail to realize the site is a parody or b) realize the site is a parody but condemn it for blasphemy.

If you dare risk the hellfire and brimstone, venture in to landoverbaptist.org and laugh yourself silly at one of the most irreverently ingenious Web sites on the Internet.

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Philip Laaveg
A&E Editor

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